I often get asked "How do you do it? Being a mom of 2, pediatrician and co-founder of MD MOMS?". I find myself wondering why the question was posed, as it suggests that I'm managing an insurmountable feat of some kind. I'd imagine I'm not all that different from most career moms out there. It comes from the delicate, not always controllable, but somehow effective balancing act of just doing the best I can, in roles that really fuse together and become one. A role that is shaped by life but one that I hope would be an adequate model for my kids to observe and learn from.
Having fled Vietnam during the height of the war at the age of 10 and immigrating to the US, I've experienced what it means to start anew in a very different land and culture. I have memories of a more privileged life in Vietnam, with nannies, tutors and chauffeurs. Yet my more intense recollections were of my efforts to assimilate into being a 5th grader in America. I learned that my pajamas are not to be worn at school, that holding my sister's hands while we walked home from school was seen as 'too intimate', and that you can actually refer to your teachers by their first name without any reprimand. It wasn't always easy, but we worked hard
to assimilate and excel.
As life went on, I began to recognize that my motivation stems from observing my parents' sacrifices to rebuild their lives from scratch for the benefit of their children. Therefore, I strived to take advantage of every blessed opportunity afforded to me by excelling in academics. I entered UC Davis medical school after attending UCSD and graduated from my pediatrics residency without any breaks for travel or real work/life experiences.
I got married after internship and became pregnant at around the second year of residency, and by the time I joined my first pediatric practice, I was a mother with 2 kids under the age of 4 (gulp).
It's often said that having children makes you a better pediatrician. While I think that is certainly true, personally, I feel that my experiences in my practice have taught me to be a better mom. As I struggle with a tragic diagnosis, or a difficult situation, I've become better at putting life into perspective and have tried to "not sweat the small stuff" at home. Through my children's young years, I worked full time, but as they have grown beyond after-school care, I've cut back my hours at the office. My husband is a physician also, so the whirlwind of both medical schedules and the academic schedules of 2 children left us with a short window of quality time in the evenings (often filled with homework) certainly not conducive to a relaxing bedtime routine!
Now my hours at the office coincide with their school time, and I'm a ready presence for them when they return from school. Oftentimes, homework time is a perfect time for me to work on my homework: MD Moms projects.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that life is easy, but I know first hand that it could be a lot tougher! Though my children are far removed from the first generation immigrant experience, I hope that they will strive to do the best they can with whatever life floats their way. And if they ever do find themselves having challenges with multitasking, I will remind them to do what I do and "not sweat the small stuff"!
Happy Mother's Day to all of you!!
Showing posts with label mother's day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mother's day. Show all posts
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Diary of a Doc: Dr. JJ -- On Being an MD Mom and Striking the Balance Between the Two
While perusing one of our favorite sections of the NY Times, the Well blog, we were understandably drawn to an entry called "Doctoring and Mothering", along with a moving companion article by Dr. Pauline Chen, "Bringing Out the Mother in All of Us". It gave us a moment to reflect on our own lives, as women, MDs, moms and, of course, as the MD Moms. We can certainly all relate to the challenge of striking that perfect work/life balance, and we'd without a doubt be zillionaires if we had the magic formula.
At the end of her blog, Tara Parker-Pope posed these questions to her readers, "Are you a doctor juggling the challenges of patient care and family care? Is the balancing act faced by doctors any different than what every working parent experiences?"
Here, Dr. JJ weighs in with her very personal perspective:
My opportunity to become physician, wife and mother all occurred within such a narrow window I didn’t think twice. I entered med school at age 30, married later that year, and delivered my son 9 months before graduation. During residency at CHLA my little guy was our class mascot - an ever present cherub brought to visit by his dad (the defacto mother as well), and discovering McDonalds (on campus in the hospital) a bit too early in his life.
The reality of what impact my training and lifestyle had on my young son came one day, when I picked him up from pre-school. I was dressed in my usual sweats (never wore scrubs outside of the hospital). His teacher laughingly remarked what an imagination my son had when asked what his mother did for a living. He replied “She’s the doctor at McDonald’s!” She thought he was just imaginative - I set her straight.
I knew from the get-go that both pediatric medicine and raising a child would dovetail nicely, but would require sacrificing time away from home. For us the quality of the time remaining together certainly overshadowed the quantity. I was always of the mindset that to be a great physician meant working fulltime and being there for my patients unconditionally. For me a doctor-patient relationship is strained when the doctor is not a present force the majority of the time. The learning curve for the physician is also diminished when the responsibility for the patient is handed over to others.
My husband worked from home in order to care for our son, and it was clear that I had to be the breadwinner for us to successfully manage our obligations. In the early stages of building my practice I made the conscious choice to NOT work part-time, to NOT ask for time off for small events (and saved my requests for the times that really mattered) , despite the glares from my part-time female colleagues. Was I any less a mother? I don’t think so. Did I become a better physician as a result? Yes. Was it worth it? Definitely.
With one child, certainly, this “balance” is more manageable. What challenged us greatly was the addition of parenting my mom for 5 years, as she had developed Alzheimer’s at an early age. Our best-laid plans cracked and the challenge of parenting/care-giving became too much as my mom’s dementia worsened and her health declined. Our marriage became strained as my mother’s needs grew, and there weren’t enough hours in the day to really tend to everyone’s needs. We moved mom into an assisted living facility which helped restore balance at home, but certainly made it impossible to consider cutting back hours and spending more time at home during my son’s middle school/high school years.
I wanted so desperately to process this stage of his life and make sure I had done enough to prepare him to be an intact, emotional responsible young adult. I started writing about him, his successes, failures, accomplishments, looked at his learning curve, his friendships, his insights. By the time he graduated I was convinced that his dad and I had really done a reasonably good job of preparing him for real life, despite the topsy turvy nature of our family life.
Now my darling son is 18, having finished his freshman year of college. I am still plugging away, and although I have missed many, many of his daily feats and events through the years, his dad has always been there. We have a very special bond despite the time away from home. He has a very happy mom, as I have been able to achieve my dream of being a pediatrician (albeit later than planned), having a tremendous kid, and an intact marriage. It certainly hasn’t been easy, but I would do it again!
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you women docs out there! You rock! ..And roll with the punches!
At the end of her blog, Tara Parker-Pope posed these questions to her readers, "Are you a doctor juggling the challenges of patient care and family care? Is the balancing act faced by doctors any different than what every working parent experiences?"
Here, Dr. JJ weighs in with her very personal perspective:
My opportunity to become physician, wife and mother all occurred within such a narrow window I didn’t think twice. I entered med school at age 30, married later that year, and delivered my son 9 months before graduation. During residency at CHLA my little guy was our class mascot - an ever present cherub brought to visit by his dad (the defacto mother as well), and discovering McDonalds (on campus in the hospital) a bit too early in his life.
The reality of what impact my training and lifestyle had on my young son came one day, when I picked him up from pre-school. I was dressed in my usual sweats (never wore scrubs outside of the hospital). His teacher laughingly remarked what an imagination my son had when asked what his mother did for a living. He replied “She’s the doctor at McDonald’s!” She thought he was just imaginative - I set her straight.
I knew from the get-go that both pediatric medicine and raising a child would dovetail nicely, but would require sacrificing time away from home. For us the quality of the time remaining together certainly overshadowed the quantity. I was always of the mindset that to be a great physician meant working fulltime and being there for my patients unconditionally. For me a doctor-patient relationship is strained when the doctor is not a present force the majority of the time. The learning curve for the physician is also diminished when the responsibility for the patient is handed over to others.
My husband worked from home in order to care for our son, and it was clear that I had to be the breadwinner for us to successfully manage our obligations. In the early stages of building my practice I made the conscious choice to NOT work part-time, to NOT ask for time off for small events (and saved my requests for the times that really mattered) , despite the glares from my part-time female colleagues. Was I any less a mother? I don’t think so. Did I become a better physician as a result? Yes. Was it worth it? Definitely.
With one child, certainly, this “balance” is more manageable. What challenged us greatly was the addition of parenting my mom for 5 years, as she had developed Alzheimer’s at an early age. Our best-laid plans cracked and the challenge of parenting/care-giving became too much as my mom’s dementia worsened and her health declined. Our marriage became strained as my mother’s needs grew, and there weren’t enough hours in the day to really tend to everyone’s needs. We moved mom into an assisted living facility which helped restore balance at home, but certainly made it impossible to consider cutting back hours and spending more time at home during my son’s middle school/high school years.
I wanted so desperately to process this stage of his life and make sure I had done enough to prepare him to be an intact, emotional responsible young adult. I started writing about him, his successes, failures, accomplishments, looked at his learning curve, his friendships, his insights. By the time he graduated I was convinced that his dad and I had really done a reasonably good job of preparing him for real life, despite the topsy turvy nature of our family life.
Now my darling son is 18, having finished his freshman year of college. I am still plugging away, and although I have missed many, many of his daily feats and events through the years, his dad has always been there. We have a very special bond despite the time away from home. He has a very happy mom, as I have been able to achieve my dream of being a pediatrician (albeit later than planned), having a tremendous kid, and an intact marriage. It certainly hasn’t been easy, but I would do it again!
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you women docs out there! You rock! ..And roll with the punches!
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